


Sunrise Bae - S02E54

by adspexi



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Canon-Typical Terrible Soap Opera Subplots, Gen, Humor, Podcast Transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:27:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25209931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adspexi/pseuds/adspexi
Summary: Moira Rose has had a long, storied career. Dani and Mel have a long, storied podcast following it.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 12
Collections: Unconventional Fanwork Exchange 2020





	Sunrise Bae - S02E54

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elegantstupidity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elegantstupidity/gifts).



Sunrise Bae

S02E54 “And In Your Providence”

Hosts:

Mel Brosch

Dani Oliveira

Transcribed by: 

Chris Oliveira

[Teaser:]

DANI: I’m broken. You broke me. 

MEL: There’s good money in foot pics. Guess who’s selling them now?

DANI: I will not. 

MEL: C’mon, guess. 

DANI: I want it on the record that I did not guess. 

[Intro music plays]

MEL: Hi, everyone! Welcome back to Sunrise Bae, the podcast about everyone’s favorite daytime-TV catastrophe, Sunrise Bay-with-a-Y. I’m Mel, a retired boatswain from Calgary who blew into town with a shocking secret.

DANI: And I’m Dani, the fifth homewrecking minx to seduce my way into Chester’s increasingly-dubious fortune this season alone. This week we’re watching season 2, episode 54, “And In Your Providence.” The Netflix summary for this episode reads, “Chester finds himself at odds with Vivien as she recovers from her special guest.” 

MEL: That’s, uh. That’s a way to put it. 

DANI: So, notes, for anyone who stumbled on the podcast this week and is now—

MEL: You poor, poor souls. 

DANI: Yeah, the poor assholes who have to dig through our— lemme check— yes, our _hundred-and-twenty-seven episode backlog_ to understand what we’re talking about. 

MEL: And still come out understanding literally nothing!

DANI: This show understands plot the way a six-year-old understands taxes. 

MEL: Vivien’s “special guest” was, in case you made the terrible decision to start this podcast with no context, a literal demon. 

DANI: Like, possessing her. For the past season and a half. 

MEL: It’s the longest-running demonic possession on a soap, apparently? And I just want a look inside the brain of whoever decided to keep track. 

DANI: Glass houses. But anyway, the demon who was Ratatouille-ing Vivien for ages, and whose name for some reason is Lysteroth—

MEL: My aunt says the name’s weird on purpose. 

DANI: That’s assuming the writers have ever put an ounce of thought into the plot.

MEL: No, seriously. There was this spat when the arc started because, like, the eighties wasn’t the greatest time to be talking about demons. And they had to pick a fake name so any kids who were watching it wouldn’t be able to summon the demon.

DANI: Kids. 

MEL: Apparently.

DANI: The kids who are watching the show. Those kids. 

MEL: Satanic panic popped up in weird places.

DANI: The central conflict of last week’s episode was whether the stripper who showed up at Jameson’s nephew’s bar mitzvah was there for Jameson or the kid. 

MEL: It’s a _soap,_ you can’t bring your puritanical personal opinions—

DANI (overlapping): All I’m saying is you have demons _and_ middle-schoolers getting strippergrams or you have _neither_ —

MEL: And they have both! Just with a weird toothpaste-company name. 

DANI: So, Listerine the demon has been Vivien’s Gundam pilot for a season and a half, and Vivien remembers absolutely none of that time.

MEL: Which was great for future drama because, remember, Lysteroth went on a months-long bender while Moira Rose was on maternity leave. So the writers got a blank check to introduce any guest star they wanted as a “mysterious stranger” from Lysteroth’s past.

DANI: If you think that’s gonna show up in next week’s episode, I’m sorry to say that you’re right.

MEL: It’s the kind of plot device you get sick of right away and the writers never do. But speaking of plot, _this_ week’s episode.

DANI: So, like, for context, Sunrise Bay is in New England.

MEL: It’s “in New England” the same way that Parks and Rec is “in Indiana—” 

DANI: Here we go.

MEL: When anyone with eyes can see the goddamn trees are wrong—

DANI: It’s always trees with you.

MEL: Because I peaked in middle-school nature camp and I’ll be chasing that high forever. 

DANI: Anyway, they move the setting whenever they feel like it, and the _extremely_ problematic “Indian burial grounds” that caused the centuries-old town curse—

MEL: Not how that works!

DANI: Not how _anything_ works. The “tribe” they used is fake, and they never name actual landmarks or place names. So the only reference we have is whatever city the writer’s room decided to drop last. And this week, we have a doozy of a name drop. Mel?

MEL (doing an uncharitable but accurate Vivien Blake): Providence. Prah-vi-dunce. So lovely a word for a town that, it pains me to say, so _in_ -frehquintly lives up, to that promise. That dream, which all amongst us share, of abso-lew-sion. A forgiveness granted by God Himself, for no human might be so bold. I hope to God that God forgives you, Chester, [DANI joins in] because I never will!

DANI: You are the only person I’ve ever heard do that accent right. 

MEL: It’s kinda Katherine Hepburn meets high-school Shakespeare and overdoses on Valium. 

DANI: I hate that so much but I can’t dispute it. 

MEL: That’s my brand! Anyway, the reason it kind of matters that it’s _vaguely_ New England is, while Vivien was off at the convent getting her metaphysical stomach pumped, Chester let her son die in a tragic clamming accident. 

DANI: Her second son. 

MEL: Her second _legitimate_ son. 

DANI: Not the one she conceived and bore under Lysteroth’s possession, which was nearly sacrificed to Satan and then got yoinked by child services. None of which she remembers, because, again, Lysteroth.

MEL: And not the one she lost in a bet with a Slovenian child smuggler.

DANI: Just her boring-ass second son. Gone in a tragic, uh, clam-related death. 

MEL: Death by clam. What does that even look like?

[A contemplative, bivalvian pause.]

DANI: You know, they never say _how_ he bit it. 

MEL: And that’s weird for this show. The only thing they love more than torrid offscreen deaths is Vivien Blake bitchslaps. 

DANI: I think it might be tetanus? Sepsis? Some infection. They just drowned someone three episodes ago, they need to switch it up.

MEL: But, like. How do you get tetanus from a clam?

DANI: I’ve never been clamming, I just googled “clamming danger,” and the first thing they said is watch out for cuts. Because you’re trying to stir the sand up with your feet, right, and that means there’s a risk of stepping on something sharp. So, tetanus.

MEL: Interesting. 

DANI: I bet we get flamed on Twitter for, like, misrepresentation of clamming safety. We have no idea what we’re talking about, just to be clear.

MEL: Do the clams suck toes? 

DANI: Pardon? 

MEL: The clams. You’ve got your feet out in the sand right near their wet, unctuous—

DANI: That is _not how you use that word—_

MEL: Their _unctuous feeding tubes,_ and you’re making contact on _purpose,_ doesn’t that get the clams all wet? 

[MEL’s cackle overlaps with DANI’s long, deliberate sigh into the mic.]

DANI: You know, every episode there’s a moment where I say to myself, why do I keep doing this—

MEL: We’re over a hundred in, too late to back down now. 

DANI: The Patreon is barely keeping up with production costs and the amount of, just, _reprehensible_ snack food I need to eat to get through this show.

MEL: You know what you could do if you really needed the money? 

DANI (fake-perky Sponcon Voice): Find _your_ next monetizable hobby with two free months of Skillshare!

MEL: See, I was thinking foot pics.

[A long, betrayed pause.]

MEL: Oh, so _now_ Ms. I-produced-a-radio-show-in-college is _fine_ with dead air.

DANI: There’s nothing I can say to that. 

MEL: Come on, there’s gotta be a goof—

DANI: I’m broken. You broke me. 

MEL: There’s good money in foot pics. Guess who’s selling them now?

DANI: I will not. 

MEL: C’mon, guess. 

DANI: I want it on the record that I did not guess. 

MEL: Moira. Fucking. Rose.

DANI: You do know what libel means.

MEL: I know libel’s a lie and this is factual information. 

DANI: Canadian defamation laws are insane, just ‘cause it’s true doesn’t mean nobody’s gonna sue— 

MEL: I _know_ I told you. Remember? My uncle's brother-in-law drove his mom to that soap-opera con last month—

DANI: “Con” is, like, fifteen-year-olds in polymer horns and gray paint everywhere. If the fans are gray already it’s a conference.

MEL: Right, sure, the _conference,_ for esteem’d— Chris, when you go over this, that’s “esteem’d,” with an apostrophe before the D— _esteem’d_ patrons of the daytime televisual arts—

DANI: Do you hear the things that come out of your mouth?

MEL: And when she chanced upon the booth of Moira—

DANI: Or is it, like, a Beethoven situation? You never really know the damage you’re doing to my psyche?

MEL (ending the bit): Moira Rose was selling foot pics. Officially. Seventy-five for one foot, hundred-fifty for the pair. And her daughter announcing it. 

DANI: There are _limits_ —

MEL: I swan to john. Alexis Rose. Said she was there as part of a PR firm? But they’re all still out in Bumfuck, Nowhere last I heard. 

DANI: They’re still up Schitt’s Creek. S-C-H-I-T-T. 

MEL: A reminder for our viewers at home, that name is not a joke. 

DANI: It is the real, actual name of the town they slunk off to after the Rose Video money vanished. I think they’re, like, living in a motel or something? 

MEL: Honestly, no wonder she’s selling foot pics. But you’d think, if anyone in that family was the first to do it—

DANI: I don’t know how you think you’re gonna end that sentence. 

MEL: I think that’s how I’m gonna end the episode.

DANI: It’s for the best. If you pulled out another phrase on par with “Moira Rose foot pics,” my brain would collapse. Like potato salad three hours into a cookout. 

MEL: So what would you rate the episode that this podcast is nominally about?

DANI: Hmmm. Surprising lack of bitchslaps, but I appreciated the title drop. Plus it's in the middle of a classic overdone Moira monologue. Three out of five fake lashes falling off halfway through a take.

MEL: I give it four out of five dramatic child actor headshots repurposed as funeral photos.

DANI: And that's it for this week!

MEL: Tune in next week as we suffer through season 2, episode 55, “The Buoy From Ipanema.”


End file.
